I spent two years rebuilding the relationship to myself

Two years ago, I hit rock bottom.

I was 31 and in the worst shape of my life. I was living alone in the mountains after a long term relationship ended dramatically. I had drifted apart from friends and family after spending most of my 20s prioritizing work. I’ve battled depression since childhood, but my self esteem was the lowest it had ever been.

I experienced true loneliness for the first time.

I dug deep and found some inner motivation that it was “now or never” to start improving myself.

Honestly, it’s weird to talk about this in the past tense because two years is not that long. But I have come a long way.

🏋️ Just start moving

I decided to get in shape. A strong, healthy body isn’t a requirement for mental healthiness, but it’s pretty fucking helpful.

I signed up for MyBodyTutor to work with a nutritionist and accountability coach (Drake Kirkwood). Rep by rep, meal by meal, I made slow but steady progress. I have since gotten into the best shape of my life.

The discipline required to master my own body gave me the confidence that I could take on other challenges too.

💡 Discovering attachment styles

A few months after the breakup with my ex, the emotional pain hit me. I thought I was passed it at that point, so when it resurfaced, I was blindsided..

What the fuck was happening? 🤔 

I stumbled upon Reddit threads about attachment styles. The description of “dismissive avoidant” (DA) fit me perfectly. DAs often experience the emotions of a breakup long after it happens. The realization that I was a Dismissive Avoidant was my a-ha moment. I couldn’t stop reading. I’ve never felt so seen. I’ve never felt so attacked. I realized I had been so ignorant of my issues that others were forced to deal with them.

With the newfound confidence from my fitness gains, I decided to tackle my attachment issues head-on.

❤️‍🩹 Repairing my attachment issues

For most of my life, I don’t feel I’ve had a great sense of self. People with healthy attachments probably internalized this in childhood. That didn’t happen for me for whatever reason.

I tailored who I was to the situation or audience. I chased external validation, avoided vulnerability, and people pleased at the expense of myself. My relationships often lacked depth because they were not built on authentic foundations.

I buried myself in my career to escape confronting these core issues. Since discovering attachment styles, I applied my discipline to rebuild my sense of self.

This has been my top priority. I had to face the hard truth that it’s my responsibility to deal with these issues, even if they spawned from childhood. I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapists, coaches, and courses. While not everything has helped, a lot has.

My mental health stack:

• Relationship coaching - I worked with Sarah Cohan for over a year. We covered everything from understanding my needs to setting boundaries to shadow work. Every day I’d have homework such as Subconscious Reprogramming. This work really helped me change my internal dialog.
• IFS Therapy - Traditional CBT talk therapy wasn’t cutting it, so I switched to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. It resonated with me because it focuses on exploring different parts of ourselves and doing inner child work. I’ve done over 100 sessions over the last couple years.
• Books & Courses - Some highlights: Existential Kink, Self-Esteem, Emotional Neglect, Self-Therapy. I also did several courses through the Personal Development School. I dedicated some time every day to doing these, on top of the therapy/coaching.
• Life coaching - This has been more about refining my values and goals, but mental health is always part of the conversation.
• Wellness practice - I’ve meditated, journaled, and practiced mental health exercises almost daily. These help keep me grounded, grateful, and in a growth mindset.
• Getting good at things I like - Competence is a key part of self-esteem. In my 20s, I mostly focused on work, but I’ve since picked up other avenues to express myself and make new friends: golf, surfing, snowboarding, latin dancing, singing, pickleball, and volleyball.
• Ketamine therapy - These sessions helped me internalize myself as the hero of my own story. But you’re completely detached from reality. I thought I died. It gave me perspective on what truly matters: how I feel about myself and whether I’m proud of how I’ve spent my time here on Earth.

☀️ Where I am today

Am I completely “healed”? Fuck no. I’m still working on building fulfilling relationships and a career. I still struggle with external validation. It takes a long time to change thought patterns that have been getting etched in for 30+ years. The progress is not linear. But I’m proud of the work I’ve done.

Some changes I’ve seen:

• I’ve had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations of my life with friends and strangers alike. I’ve gone from someone who would rarely engage with people I didn’t know, to someone who can spawn a very deep conversation with a stranger at a moments notice
• I’ve practiced setting boundaries and saying no when I need to.
• I’ve realized that I love connecting with people. I thought socializing drained me, but it turns out it was just shallow interactions or people pleasing. I thrive when I’m being authentic and vulnerable
• I’ve greatly reduced my alcohol intake. I’m no longer doing things like this that sacrifice my bodwhich were at least in part for to get others to like me more.
• I’ve rediscovered my athletic side. I loved playing sports as a kid, but I had effectively abandoned this part of me in my 20s
• I’ve had the healthiest romantic relationship I’ve ever been in.
• I’ve traveled and lived in some of the most beautiful places on Earth such as Tahoe, Hawaii, and Switzerland
• I’ve moved to new places without knowing anyone and made friends
• I’ve realized that I want to be married. For a long time I didn’t think I was good enough, or some other BS. But I do want a deep love where we want to be married because thats how in love we are
• I realized I want to feel like I belong
• I’ve realized that I want to foster more fulfilling friendships, where we stay connected in the goings on of each other’s lives
• I’ve internalized I want way more impact out of my career. I want to make entrepreneurship work or take on more leadership responsibilities.

⏭️ Moving forward

I’m writing this now not because this work is done. But I wanted to take a moment to appreciate how much work has happened.

For the first time maybe ever, I have some confidence in who I am. There’s a pep in my step. This has been a huge test of my character and I know more about who I am.

If my story resonates with you, maybe it's a nudge to start your own mental health journey. After all, hitting rock bottom isn't the end—it can be the foundation upon which we can rebuild ourselves.

Also reach out! I fucking love talking about this stuff. A part of me is hoping sharing this on the internet will result in forming some deeper connections.